Driving Lessons

Red, Yellow, Green.

‘Okay so take your foot lightly off of the break, whilst keeping your other foot on the clutch, press on the acceleration and move from neutral into first gear.’

Well isn't that wonderful; about five words of that sentence I don’t understand. I am learning to drive, and like we all know, the more you practice  the better you will get. I just have to stop texting my driving instructor telling her ‘I’m ill, my granddad’s gone into hospital, it’s snowing outside. I’m pretty sure she knew the last one was a lie, as she lives about 15 minutes up the road.

I decide to ask my mother for some wise words of encouragement and she tells me that driving is like ‘no not riding a bike, but like having sex.’ Yes this is the analogy she chose to use. ‘Darling, just like with a man, you have to know when to accelerate and when to break, too early and you miss the end of the road and too late you stall.’ Again the sex - car analogy makes no sense to me whatsoever, but she continues…  ‘Imagine you are coming to the end, you have made your signal, checked the mirrors so you know what’s coming up behind you’ Dear God! I am in severe physical pain,’ you move down from third gear, to second, then into a nice steady, but powerful nonetheless first’ My mother at this point winks, not to me, but to my step dad, the pain is becoming more excruciating, ‘and you press your foot lightly on to the break, whilst simultaneously adding pressure to the clutch. If you do everything with plenty of time and in the right order, then, well you know!’

I am momentarily stunned into silence by the power of this mental image. Even laser surgery won't be able to remove this moment from the inner layers of my mind. I now wonder whether I need more practice with sex or driving. I’m pretty rusty at both; the only difference is for £40 I get to drive a car for 2 hours, and If I’m not feeling it I can use the excuse ‘I have a headache’ and not feel guilty.

For those of you learning to drive good luck and I hope my mother’s knowledgeable words will stay with you forever… as they have done me.